Dear Ms. Mantis,
My old boyfriend keeps hanging around the mailbox, and it's really stressing me out. I try talking to him, but he doesn't answer; he just hangs there, staring at me with those 8 dark eyes. I'm so creeped out, I don't want to get the mail any more. Help! What should I do?
- itsy bitsy
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, dear, but your ex is dead. Perhaps you don't remember sucking out his life juices, but rest assured: you did. If you ever want to mate again, you better cut him down and spruce up the place.